Yearning for Normalcy
by CSISaraSidle72
Summary: After an attack that leaves her emotionally and physically brutalized, Olivia Benson wonders if she'll ever be normal and feel whole, again.


Author's Note: I just had to write another fic...I will eventually finish them all, but this one just came to me, and I couldn't wait to write it or post it.

This fan-fic takes place in season 13. Detective Nick Amaro I may keep, but no other new people. Cragen, Fin, Olivia (of course), Munch, Melinda and Huang are still the main people there, as well as either Alex Cabot or Casey Novak. And Elliot did leave, but he didn't quit...he's just taking some time off. This fic takes place in December of 2011.

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><p>Olivia Benson wasn't one to be afraid. She was never afraid. Well...almost never.<p>

A snow storm had hit New York City, which left the cab companies unable to make any money tonight. The roads wouldn't be able to be cleared until the morning, so Olivia opted to walk home rather than spending another night in the cribs. She'd already been at work a full thirty-four hours straight after a man and his brother had kidnapped and raped four-year-old Lilly Ellison. The man, her father, who had been ordered to stay away, had been captured. The brother was still at large, but wasn't considered as dangerous, so they were going to go out and look for him, again, tomorrow. Tonight, besides going home, left everything else at a standstill, and lucky enough for Olivia, she didn't live too far from the Precinct.

Olivia did, however, find herself checking over her shoulder. She pulled her jacket closer to her body, and tried to walk faster. She didn't know if she was doing this because she just wanted to stay warm and get home, or if she was afraid, as if someone was watching her every move.

"Shit!" Olivia stopped near an alley, having dropped her purse. She'd been walking so fast that it must've just slipped from her arms. And everything in there had all fallen out, to beat it all. Olivia bent down, trying to pick everything up as quickly as possible. She stood, only having her cell phone to place back in the back when it rang. Her brow furrowed as she looked at the number. She didn't recognize it, and it had no name attached to it, but finding herself curious, she answered it anyway. "Benson," she said, beginning to walk again.

"You ready to die tonight, bitch?" the voice on the other end snarled. Olivia stood in her place, looking all around. Nobody was there, which to her just didn't seem right.

"Who the hell is this?" Olivia asked angrily, keeping up her bad-ass facade. If she acted afraid, it would give the person on the other end some perverse pleasure, which she didn't want to do.

"You'll see," the voice warned, then the line went dead. Olivia just stared at her phone, shaking her head before placing it back in her purse. People and their damn prank calls. Seriously, didn't they know that it was harassment, not to mention that they just needed to get a life?

Olivia sighed, trekking along, almost home when she swore she could hear heavy breathing all around her. She stopped a moment, listening, before trying to dash away, but that's when _he _caught her. She didn't really know if it was a man, at first, but it didn't take her long to find out. The person dragged her to an alley, walking into the open doorway of an old abandoned store. Olivia tried to think...she'd been here before. Then it hit her...her case earlier, the little girl, her father...he _owned _this dump! Then that guy had to be...

Olivia fought hard, doing her best to get away. She reached for her gun, but...it wasn't there. _Shit! _She cursed herself. She'd left it at the station. Olivia tried her best to keep herself calm and focused, so she could get away. The man carried her to an upstairs loft, throwing her down on an old raggedy bed. The head railing was messed up, but not enough to where, when he tied her up, she couldn't get free. She tried kicking him as he tied her legs up, but that seemed to pleasure him. When he had her secure, he took out a large knife and took off his black ski mask.

Olivia's gasp was loud enough for him to hear, and he chuckled. "That's right, Olivia," he said in a voice that made her skin craw and sent shivers up her spine. The way he talked...the way he looked at her body. All she wanted to do was throw up.

"Y-you're..." Olivia stuttered, and the man smiled evilly.

"Yep!" he said proudly. "I'm Dewayne Ellison. Lilly's uncle. And Bart's brother."

Olivia shivered, not from the cold, but from nerves. This is the man they deemed "safer" than his brother, one that they could wait until the morning to pursue. Olivia now knew that they'd all been wrong.

Dewayne came towards her, and Olivia tried to fight him off, which she just couldn't do. She couldn't get away, and the movements began to infuriate him.

"You're a little whore!" he spat, slapping her across the face. She winced, and he smiled in pleasure. "Lilly was a little whore," he went on to explain. "That's why we taught her a lesson...before we killed her, that is."

The smile on her face made her blood begin to boil. Bart may have been in on it, but Olivia was looking at the master of the rape and killing of Lilly Ellison right in front of her. She remembered Bart trying to tell them as much, but now looking at Dewayne, she now knew why the father was suspected before the brother was.

They were identical twins.

Olivia cringed as he leaned over her, running the knife along her face, her neck, her body...everywhere. She felt disgusted. He leaned over her and kissed her forcefully on the mouth. She forgot all of her cop training, here. While she shouldn't have reacted, she instead bit his tongue as it groped her own.

Dewayne jumped back, and Olivia saw anger in his eyes. Not normal kind of anger, but infuriating kind. The kind that told her that she wouldn't live to see another day.

Time seemed to stop here. When he came back at her, he lunged the knife into her stomach. She screamed in pain, and that's when he took out a roll of duct tape, taping her mouth shut.

"That'll keep you from biting me, you bitch," he spat as he threw the roll of tape down on the floor and ripped off her shirt. He sneered at her, then he cut off her bra. He went down to her boots, throwing them across the room. Her socks were next, then her pants, until there was nothing left for him to take off. He stared at her naked body, licking his lips.

Olivia felt exposed in more ways than one, and silent tears slipped down her cheeks.

Just for that, Dewayne hit her over the head with a baseball bat that was lying nearby. Everything got really blurry. She remembered him straddling her, and the pain as he took the one thing away that was supposed to be loving and special, but no longer would be..._if _she lived that long.

The last thing Olivia remembered was the knife, slicing on her stomach, on her breasts, on her face as Dewayne Ellison raped her. And then she blacked out.

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><p>"<em>Call 9-1-1!"<em>

"_Oh my god, what happened to her?"_

"_Help is on the way, ma'am!"_

The feeling was like floating on a sea of taffy. There was pain, but only minimal. Strong hands lifted, and a bed rolled. Sirens roared. Bright lights, rolling past as if moving forward. Then nothing.

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><p>"<em>Are you telling me that one of my detectives has been raped and left nearly dead in an abandoned building?" a man's voice asked, almost screaming.<em>

"_I'm sorry, sir. Please calm down."_

"_Will she be okay?" another man's voice asked, this one calmer than the first._

"_She'll live, if that's one you mean. But she'll have scars...emotionally and physically. Besides the rape, stabbings and cuts, she does have a fracture in her left wrist and a fracture in her ankle."_

"_Has the ass-hole who did this to her been caught yet?" a third man asked, talking stonily, like he talked in that tone of voice everyday._

_Silence followed, then a muffled, "no."_

Olivia groaned, opening her eyes. The lights were bright, almost searing as they hit her eyes. She winced, feeling as if she'd been hit again.

She couldn't remember well the last few hours. All that she knew was that she was hurting...everywhere. She felt her face, feeling bandages, and a single tear fell down her cheek. Dewayne hadn't wanted to kill her, really. He just wanted to make sure that she would never know happiness, again. And as Olivia felt all over her face, at all the bandages that were stuck to it, she knew that Dewayne had gotten his wish. She'd never be happy, again.

Olivia turned, seeing four sets of eyes staring at her. One was a nurse, female. Another was Cragen, Fin, then Munch. Olivia felt like crying, but she held it back as they all rushed to her bedside. Olivia flinched at their sudden movements, and they all glanced at one-another but otherwise acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

"You had us worried there, kiddo," Cragen said. He was smiling, and..._did he have tears in his eyes?_

"You okay, baby girl?" Fin asked, sitting down beside Olivia's bed. Olivia looked at him, as if trying to focus in. _No...I'm not okay. I'll never be okay. _But meekly, she did her best to nod her head.

"We're going to catch the bastard that did this to you," Munch replied, not breaking into any sort of grin. He looked as he always did...stoic and strong. Olivia wished that she was still strong.

The nurse, looking over and seeing how Olivia was reacting to the three, quickly ushered them all out. Even from the hallway, Olivia could still hear every word. "I'm sorry, but it's too soon. Just...give her some time. Take her statement later, just...let her rest."

Olivia turned her back to the door, staring at the dark wall as her lights were turned out. Only a small, overhead light remained. Olivia felt every single pain in her body as she lay still, only then noticing a cast on her left wrist and one on her right ankle.

An hour passed and now, knowing that she was alone, she allowed a flood of tears to fall, which wasn't at all like her. But now she was different. Now, her face and body were scarred. Now, she'd been raped. And now, she had two broken bones.

Olivia now knew how Humpty Dumpty must've felt, falling off the brick wall and breaking a part, not being able to be put back together. Like him, Olivia knew that feeling, and as she lay in the dark for most of the night, staring at the wall, she wondered, _will I ever feel whole, again?_


End file.
